Fate. Is it chance of choice?

So I was just watching this show on MTV called Awkward and the main character, Jenna, posed an interesting question. Is fate based on chance or choice? Fate has been an idea that I have contemplated for quite sometime now, but I've never really put it into this context. I would like to think that Fate is choice. Fate is active. One takes all the information available and makes a choice that may and can have far reaching and unseen effects. We would like to think that the choices we make will turn out a certain way but there really is no way of truly knowing that. And of course there are all the crazy things that life throws at us that we can't possible anticipate, but still I can't help but think that the choice me make put us in the path of those crazy things. My point is, do we choose the shitty things that happen to us? I'm afraid that I am making what I think are all the right choices but end up miserable in about 5 or 10 years.

I don't want to regret anything in my life. I want to make sure that I end up happy, but how do I do that? I feel like right now I am setting myself up for failure though. I have so many things that are stacked against me its hard to see all the good in my life. At this point I'm not happy. I have no idea where my life is going and where it is right now its a mess. I really need to pull my shit together and fast. I feel like I'm just I'm drowning. I just want to be happy.

I know I am a good person. I think I should be happy. I'm not asking for anything to be handed to me, but damn I wish I could figure out what I need to do to make my self happy. I'm tired of being miserable or being happy for only a short time. I just got back from one of the most beautiful places in the world and I should be over the moon. Why aren't I?

So the past few days have been extremely hard for me. Ignoring he who shall remain nameless is harder that I though. Its not that I can't ignore him, its just that the bleeding heart in me feels bad for him. I think it is having the desired effect, since he has appealed to a mutual friend, but its still taking a toll on me. I want him to realize what he has right in front of him and to fight for it. I want him to know that he cannot take me for granted and I won't ask "how high?" if he asks me to jump anymore. I deserve to be treated better than this. I'm not asking for the moon and the sky. I'm simply asking for him to be honest with me that is all I want.
I think the moratorium on speaking to him will remain until he himself can ask me whats wrong. I need for him to grow a pair and really really fight for me. At least for my friendship, because honestly I am worth fighting for. If he can't see that then we don't even need to be friends anymore and this will all be for the best. I just feel angry and frustrated and sad. I'm sick of this roller coaster of emotions that he has had me riding on for the past six months. It isn't fair that I have allowed him to control my emotions so much even if he doesn't realize he is doing.
I know that he isn't the only one to blame here though. I know I have my fair share of blame and guilt but I have tried to resolve this issue. Maybe I haven't done a good enough job but lets be real, relationships are a two way street.

So after a few short hours of feeling extremely proud of myself and reveling in all of my glory, the feeling of accomplishment has worn off and depression is setting in. I knew this moment was coming but, it is still hard to deal with. I will still think about he who shall remain nameless as much as I did before but the difference is, I won't be able to talk to him through my own self imposed rules. I think I am going to add to those rules and make it even harder for myself... No contact for the next 4 weeks. I think by the time a month is over I will be over him or well on my way to being so and that is a safe amount of time so that I don't go crazy and fall back into where I was before I see him again. But that is a whole other can of worms.
Right now I need to work on getting that empowered feeling I felt before back. I was thinking to myself earlier about how I need to do something tangible where I can see the results and be proud of what I have accomplished. Maybe I could build something by hand or learn to sew or something stupid like that. I'm approaching a landmark birthday in a few weeks and I don't have a whole hell of a lot in my opinion to show for the past 20 years. Sure others would beg to differ but as of right now that is how I feel.

Here goes nothing.

So I've decided to give this whole blogging thing a shot. Everyone seems to be doing it now a days, and not that I am a huge follower or anything, I just thought it would be a fun thing for me to do, until I get bored with it that is. I'm not savvy in the ways of blogging but who knows? Maybe I will develop a knack for it. But in all actuality, this is going to be nothing but me rambling on and on about the randomness that is my life. It seems that I have found myself at a crossroads and I'm not so sure where I am heading. Actually I've already passed the crossroad but I had no idea which path I chose or where either one of them would lead. Needless to say I am a bit lost at this point. Unfortunately, this is not the time to be lost... I am about to be 21 in a few weeks and a college senior. I should have my life together, or at least I think I should, but I don't and I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I sort of know what I want and what I want to do but, as of right now, I have no idea how to get to that point.
Maybe I will "find myself" on my epic journey to Italy. I am going to be studying abroad in Italy for four months and I am sure that experience will have a major impact on my life undoubtably. However, it scares the ever living crap out of me to think that I am about to head of to a foreign country for four months and have absolutely no clue what I am doing. I do take a little solace in the fact that I have three of my sorority sisters that are coming with me and a few other people that I know. I will at least have that support system. On top of that, I have this wonderful knack of failing upwards. Things happen to work out in the most mediocre way for me. Few things are ever extraordinary in my life but that is because I leave things up to chance and let things work themselves out. I think subconsciously I have a fear of failing, hell not so subconsciously actually. I'm terrified to fail in a grand way, so I settle for mediocrity and second best. I know I have the potential for greatness and greatness is what I desire but I getting in my own way. I suppose that is the first step right there of knowing where I am going. I am the only obstacle that is blocking the path to where I am suppose to be and where I am suppose to go from there.